It’s not you – it’s me.

It’s not you, it’s me.

How many times have we heard that as the cliché reason that breakups occur in relationships?

Yet, no matter how much of a cliché it is, it seems that it still is met with skepticism. After all, it must be about us – right?

This idea of “it’s not you, it’s me” highlights one significant factor in relationships and even your journey of self-growth: taking everything personally.

To take something personally means if your partner doesn’t call or text, it’s because you did something wrong, because they’re no longer interested, or even because they’ve met someone new.

But to take something personally, especially in relationships, means that you are essentially feeling as if everything your partner does or even doesn’t do is because of you. Perhaps it seems like they treated their ex better, and so you take it personally that they may treat you differently. Maybe your partner had no problem committing previously, but now they say they no longer want to get married, and so you believe the problem is you.

In these cases, where you are experiencing an external event being personal to yourself, you are giving away your power and showing that how you feel about yourself still rests in the hands of another.

While this is hard for us to understand, especially as humans, the reality is – it’s not about you.

The number one thing that can help you achieve a better and even healthier relationship is to see that what your partner chooses has literally nothing to do with you – because thinking that it does doesn’t only diminish your self-worth or sense of inner validation but then sets you on a path to prove yourself to your partner.

Taking everything personally is, of course, related to ourselves often still seeking external validation, proof that we are lovable or even desirable, but it also points to the illusion of control that we feel in our lives – because we don’t yet feel empowered within ourselves.

When we are taking everything personally that our partner does, then we also will consciously or unconsciously try to control the outcome of decisions or reactions. Yet, in this case, our cup is never full because we are still looking to receive something from another that we haven’t yet done for ourselves.

But we do have a choice, and you have a choice as well, whether to continue to take things personally or instead see that nothing anyone does is about you.

Embracing this truth, though, also means that you have to step into the place of realizing that the only place you do have control is within your own self. If someone isn’t showing up how you need them to, that is not an invitation to try harder. If a partner seems that their interest is slipping, that doesn’t mean to try to get them back. Instead, it’s about honoring yourself above everything else and either bringing your feelings up to them or even being prepared to transition out of the relationship.

In the healthiest and longest-lasting relationships, couples are not taking one another’s choices, actions, or moods personally.

Take a moment to reflect on how personally you take the actions of others, because taking something personally also equates not just to still seeking external validation for your wounds but also contains a certain amount of judgment. The reality is that, as humans, we are busy. We are tired, we have a lot going on, whether it’s work, friends, our education, children, families, tending to the home, car repairs, and all of the above. Plus, we still have ourselves and anything we are personally moving through, like trying to be healthier, stick to a new routine, or even hopefully having enough time to sleep.

That is a lot for anyone to go through, but the reality is that is what we are all going through. We all have something in front of us right now that we are busy thinking about or trying to figure out. But to start judging your partner based on yourself means that you are actually grading them on whether they’ve completed an unknown test that only you have the answers for.

And we all know, where there is judgment, love cannot exist.

In those moments you may be feeling triggered because your partner hasn’t texted or called you back yet, take a deep breath and tell yourself, this isn’t about me. Practice affirmations like, “I am safe,” “I am worthy,” or “I am loved.” Take this as an opportunity to focus more on your inner sense of security rather than basing it on how soon you get a reply.

If, in a relationship, your partner isn’t showing up how you need them to, like forgetting anniversaries, always being late for date nights, or spending more time with friends, realize first that their choices have nothing to do with you. Secondly, approach this in a healing adult manner by advocating for yourself, expressing your feelings, and explaining why those situations are so important to you.

To not take things personally isn’t only about inner security or even self-worth and validation, but it’s also about how empowered you feel in your own life.

To be empowered means that you are safe to not take things personally because you can give yourself everything. You can love yourself, make yourself feel worthy, validated, sexy, and joyful. You can provide for your needs, take care of yourself, and also know that you can protect yourself from anything that doesn’t resonate or that you’ve outgrown.

By being in this place of empowerment, you can understand that what another does truly is about themselves because it’s really not you – it’s them.

Feeling empowered changes your relationships completely because no longer are you making your life or how you feel about another, but you are taking charge for your own self. Yet, empowerment is never a feeling that we can just create on our own. Instead, it’s something that we must build up to.

To do this, begin with asking yourself, when in your life were you first made to feel that other people’s actions or feelings were your responsibility?

The next is, what makes you feel worthy and of value?

It is possible to switch an external validation to an inner one, simply in how you phrase it to yourself. For instance, if you wrote, “I like making people feel good,” which is external validation, you can shift to, “I am empathetic and understanding,” which makes it internal and about you.

Through this reflection and learning to self-validate, you can become more mindful of your own emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual needs, not only meeting them for yourself but also advocating and even asking for help from others. But through this process, you should naturally feel any judgment of behaviours or choices start to diminish because by focusing on each of these steps, you have built your own foundation for empowerment.

It’s essential for your own personal journey to understand that taking something personally really actually has more to do with yourself than anything your partner is or isn’t doing. Your partner is making a choice, but you are taking it personally. This helps to reflect where you can grow and heal even more deeply with your own self, as well as realize that if there’s judgment present – it also means there are insecurities growing there as well.

You don’t have to continue to make it about you, and in fact, once you do, not only do you free yourself from the pressure, but you also create the space to step into a more empowered version of yourself – which will always be the path to actually manifesting and building the healthy, passionate relationship you desire.