How to get over the ick in relationships

In relationships, it seems that it’s getting more common to go through a feeling described as the ick, in which one or both people get turned off, but the question is why, and is there really no way to come back from it?

Recently, I joined women all around the globe as we fell in love with Adrian Brody’s character, Noah, in Nobody Wants This; a title that is most definitely ironic, because it is what most women actually want.

In the Netflix show, Nobody Wants This, Brody plays the ideal emotionally intelligent man, who is clear in his intentions, and even has the actions to back it up. But most of all, it’s in the moments that he lets Kristin Bell’s character, Joanne, know that she will never be too much for him that has led to women everywhere swooning for this onscreen romance.

But, even in this ideal romantic situation, there is a moment in which Joanne gets the ick from Noah, and suddenly feels like her feelings have changed – and even mentions something about how there is no coming back from the ick.

This idea of the ick is something that is being spoken about more frequently in relationships, although, we would all have to wager that it actually has always existed, it just seems in our current culture, it’s one that impacts the relationship with greater intensity.

The ick often seems to come from seeing your partner dressed differently, when they’re sick, when you have seen them too much, or even when they do something that is less than perfect.

But in reality, the ick, is when you actually see your lover as human – and not through the rose-colored glasses of endorphins that you previously had.

So, that got me thinking, is it really the ick that we run from, or simply seeing that our partner is just as human as us?

In Nobody Wants This, an interesting question is raised though, as Joanne declares that Noah came back from the ick –and so is it possible to come back from the ick?

Perhaps the truth is, we run from the ick, because we are scared of being seen as human, and so if we get turned off, hurt, or run away, then we won’t actually be seen for the messy imperfect selves that we are.

In Nobody Wants This, Joanne gets the ick when she sees Noah throw a sport jacket over a basketball outfit, as he’s gripping far too many sunflowers in an effort to impress Joanne’s mother. As the camera zooms in to his outfit and flowers, it is perceived that she gets the ick because of what he’s wearing or doing – however, it also occurs in a moment in which she’s never experienced before.

Someone is showing up for her, wanting to meet her parents, and actually make a good impression. So, in reality, this ick, like for so many others, doesn’t really have anything to do with clothes or behaviour, but in being triggered because someone is finally showing up how you always wanted them to, and now you don’t know what to do with it.

When you feel the ick, reflect on if this person was truly doing something that crossed a boundary, or felt unsafe to you; or if instead, it was a matter of them being vulnerable, healthy, or consistent that gave you that feeling.

To come back from the ick though isn’t about your partner trying harder, or even making sure they are always properly or stylishly dressed, instead it often is about you learning to receive what you’ve yet to, and talk yourself through any triggers.

While Joanne bounces back pretty quickly from the ick once Noah makes a joke of it and calls her out on it in Nobody Wants This, he uses that emotional intelligence to also let her know that neither her nor her family are too much for him. This highlights that it isn’t only about how Noah approaches it, but in Joanne’s willingness to remain open, to receive, and to enter a phase of a relationship that she’s never been in before.

While you are reflecting on your own inner blocks to intimacy, or being seen, it is important to stay present for the relationship. This means instead of avoiding, and simply blocking their number or even running away, you give yourself a bit more time in the process. You continue to text, to see one another, and like Joanne, to remain open. Many times, it can take up to two months to get back from the ick in real life, as long as both people are staying present, but crossing that threshold is actually the real beginning of discovering the purpose of your relationship and even developing true and genuine feelings – and a sense of intimacy.

With the ick often occurring within the first 2-6 months of a new relationship, it is important to give it time, especially if this connection seems to be quite different than anything you’ve had before because it can take time to come back from it – but not only is it possible, it is also a necessary step in a healthy relationship, because until you can see your lover as human, then the question is, can you ever really love them?

The reality is that you are as desirable, worthy, and loveable, in your sweats hanging out on your couch, as you are all dressed up to go out. You don’t need to appear like the perfect partner, but instead only the real you. This means letting out your messy or ugly sooner in a new relationship, instead of keeping up the illusion of perfect because you feel worthy within yourself and trust yourself to be the real you in any situation.

Moving past the ick occurs when you are feeling the inclination to not reach out to someone, to hole away in your home or routine, instead of reaching out, making plans, or even saying you miss them – but you choose too anyway. The healthiest love is also the one that won’t be sending your nervous system into fight or flight, there will be no shot of adrenaline, or endorphins making you bounce on your tip toes around them but will simply be the choice to keep showing up.

Take time to realize that the ick isn’t a red flag for someone that we’re newly dating, but instead a red flag within ourselves about where we are on our growth and healing path. Because the ick has more to do with our fear of being seen, or emotionally or physically availability, or even trusting ourselves to know that we are safe to receive.

Because it will feel completely foreign to receive something we’ve never experienced – even if it’s precisely what we want.

And as with anything that arises in a relationship, the only way to actually get over the ick, is to go deeper within ourselves. To make effort, to stay consistent, be open and let us actually see what happens when we are able to fully accept another because that is what we long for ourselves.

So really the ick is really a positive step in the right direction because it’s what separates the dream of love – from the real love that is willing to stand beside you no matter what.